My story of reinvention

If I had to sum up the last 2 years of my life in one word, it would be turbulent.

I’ve never grown so much in such a short amount of time.

Most other times when I’ve reinvented myself, I’ve felt it teetering in the background of my life for the few months leading up to the pivotal moment of transformation.

But 2020 was the first time I’d started the process of reinvention without any warning that it was on its way. It was sudden and I had to respond quickly.

The catalyst for this reinvention was heartbreak like it so often is for me. But this wasn't the kind of heartbreak where the relationship ended, although it came very close. It was the kind of heartbreak where I was wrong about the type of relationship I was in.

I’d painted it with a brush of purity, perfection and Disney fairytale. But in reality, it was two humans who loved each other, terrified of facing their deepest darkest shadows.

I really resonate with what they say about relationships; they are a mirror.

For me, they’ve always held up a glaringly obvious reflection of the stuff I’m not willing to face.

The difference is, that I usually tap out once I reach the sticking point. 

But this time I didn’t.

This time, I chose to stay.

And so I broke down. 

And I broke down some more.

Until eventually I had nothing to lose so I let all of my truth pour out of me.

Unsure where it would land but suddenly felt so detached from my future life, that it didn’t matter.

And through this staying, I have completely changed how I relate to myself.

Yes, I have worked incredibly hard with my partner to rebuild our relationship, and I am so proud that we have.

But something beautiful happened during this chaotic time. I reached a point where I needed to forgive and accept my partner for his actions. Which just so happened to be the same aspects of myself that I hadn’t forgiven or accepted.

The byproduct of accepting him is I learned to accept myself.

Looking back now, I have repeated the same cycle in every single relationship I’ve had since I was 16 (I’m 32 now), and this relationship is finally the one where I broke the pattern. I broke it by being ruthless and honest with myself, creating space to just ‘be’ with the most shameful, embarrassing part of myself, and learning how to love her.

Instead of running away and avoiding, which I’m incredibly skilled at, I took time to process and then asked myself “What is this relationship trying to teach my soul right now?”.

Acceptance of my shadow aspect.

The part of me that I deny because it doesn’t feel good.

And to me, this is what each reinvention in my life has been centred around. Each time I move into a new version of myself, I accept another piece of my inner world that I’ve been denying.

The one thing I’ve learned about accepting and loving our shadow is that when we ‘out it’ ourselves, it suddenly becomes less scary. Because at the end of the day, we are humans. We have flaws and we fuck up. What I care about is how I respond after I fuck up, and if I can take a lesson from that situation instead of letting it define me.

Sending you love xx