• Ash Smithies

We carry so much shame and self-judgement around sex.

I remember when I was in my early 20’s hearing about how important sex was in a relationship. I read that if “there are problems in the bedroom then there are problems in the relationship”.

For most of my 20’s I carried this belief with me and quickly judged my relationships for not being ‘right’ based on our sexual desire changing over the years.

Fast forward to my 30’s and I now see how unrealistic and dangerous this imbalanced view was.

While I know sex can represent deeper issues in the relationship, I don’t think it’s the only thing for us to pay attention to. Other reasons we lose our sex drive might be:

  • body image

  • mental health

  • stress levels

  • lack of sleep

  • hormonal changes

  • medication side effects

  • life changes (moving house, a new baby, etc.)

For me, the two main reasons I feel a lack of sexual desire in relationships are:


If I haven’t had any moments of presence and depth in conversations recently


If we’ve not had any time doing our own things (i.e no chance to miss each other)

We can get so in our heads when we realise our sex life is changing. We can make it mean all sorts of things about our relationship and jump to conclusions about it meaning that they're not ‘the one’ yada yada yada. More on this concept of ‘the one’ in another post!

But this is actually something that we can get back on track with by a few simple steps:


Stop having sex with your partner out of guilt or obligation. Studies have shown this can do more damage than good as it builds a negative association to sex and you feel resentment towards your partner.


Create a really neutral environment (away from the bedroom) where you can openly talk about your sex life regularly. Ask each other:

  • How you define a healthy sex life

  • What blocks you from wanting to have sex or be intimate

  • Unhelpful habits that create a disconnect and ways to change them


Decide on a new ritual for you to connect to each other. The ritual of connection might be as simple as going to bed earlier and talking about your day with no screen time. This doesn’t mean every time you do this ritual you have to have sex, but it’s opening up more space and connection for it to organically flow into sex.

It’s really normal for us to avoid this topic in our relationships in fear of being vulnerable or hurting our partner by communicating our needs, but the more comfortable you can make these conversations, the easier it will be to remain connected and sexually attracted to one another.

As always reach out with questions!

Loads of love,