• Ash Smithies

Are you self-sabotaging?




I'm a lucky lady and get to have some beautiful conversations with The Soul Project community about life, love and all things personal growth 🙏

A few weeks ago I received a question from someone who has been supporting The Soul Project since the early days. The question really spoke to my own personal experiences and I felt called to share with you. While keeping names anonymous, I have copied and pasted the conversation below in the hope it might help someone else out there with similar questions 😘


QUESTION: I keep ending up in the same patterns in relationships where I lose interest and the relationships never last long. How do I acquire traits of a good partner so I can break these patterns?


MY ANSWER: Hi X, so I've written down a few notes/questions but I want to make sure this message isn't giving you any advice as I don't feel I know enough about your situation yet. Instead, I'll give you some questions to ask yourself, and also some examples of things that have helped me in similar situations!

It would be a really good exercise to write down what those traits are that you refer to good partners having. And do some writing around what it is you need in order to develop and nurture those traits.


I would also ask yourself > is there something repelling you in the relationships that maybe is on a subconscious level? It might have nothing to do with you having the 'right' traits, but maybe they don't meet your needs and you're realising it on a subconscious level. I used to subconsciously sabotage relationships A LOT. When I looked on paper I always thought in my conscious mind that my partner at the time was perfect. But when I spent the time getting to know myself on a deeper level, I naturally noticed what I needed from life to continue to grow and be the best version of myself. This included the types of relationships I needed and I realised a lot of my core values and needs weren't actually being met.


For example, these were some of my needs that I only became aware of after self-exploration:


🔹I would need to feel like we are connecting on a deeper level and that we were really opening up to each other. 🔹I would need to feel like we had a solid friendship underneath the passion, and that we could have fun together. 🔹I would need to feel comfortable speaking about spirituality without being judged.

Because this wasn't matching up to my subconscious needs, I would do all sorts of things that would sabotage the relationships which left me constantly thinking "what's wrong with me, why can't I have a long lasting relationship?". But there is always a deeper subconscious reason for these things.


It's important for us to recognise that 'needs' differ from 'wants'. When we 'need' something it makes it a non-negotiable, but when we want something we can compromise and try to find a happy medium with our partner. It takes a lot of courage and vulnerability expressing our needs in a relationship (especially a new one), but it is something we must try to be open about and not expect that everyone is going to have the same needs as us.


I hope that helps you in some way and please let me know if you need me to clarify anything 💜

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