We all have different names for this light but for me, it’s my soul.

I feel her when I’m in alignment with myself…in other words when my actions are reflecting my core values.

There have been some phases of my life where I’ve barely felt her. Where it’s been easier to distract myself with shiny things than to reach in and connect with my soul. Because some days that connection feels confronting, although always loving.

For me, alcohol is one of the biggest blockers to feeling and hearing my soul. 

About 8 years ago I heard the term “sober curious” which was created by Ruby Warrington.

Ruby Warrington created this term because she wanted it to become socially acceptable to quit drinking not because you’re an alcoholic, but simply because it doesn’t serve you or your wellbeing.

I’ve tried so many times to cut back or drink in moderation but for whatever reason I can’t feel connected to myself in that yummy, nourishing way when I’m drinking.

Personally, I’ve noticed that my relationship with alcohol is a repetitive cycle. 

When I drink booze I struggle to keep a routine that looks after my physical health (more junk food, little movement, crappy sleep). 

When my physical health is poor, I feel anxious and very “in my head” with lots of stories about my flaws. 

When I feel anxious and in my head, I turn to the quickest way of numbing those feelings…alcohol.

And so the cycle starts again.

When I experience anxiety, I believe the majority of the time it’s my body's way of telling me that something isn’t in alignment in my life. Whether it be my health, my relationships, or my career… deep down I believe anxiety is the messenger.

So 1 year ago I decided to listen to the messenger, instead of running away from it.

I decided to quit drinking and see if it impacted my level of anxiety… and surprise surprise, it did! I noticed my anxiety went from consuming 50% of my time to consuming 5% of my time. When it did pop its head up for that 5% it was less destructive and much more manageable.

I want to share the key tips and lessons I’ve gained from year 1 of no drinking…

1. Have a solid plan for the first 3 months.

I’ve tried to quit drinking 2-3 times before and each of those times I didn’t make it past 3 months. I’ll be honest, the first 3 months felt the most emotional for me. It wasn’t this instant “I feel better” like I’d expected. This makes sense because I’d been numbing and avoiding those difficult emotions, so there was a build-up of thoughts/feelings that I had to look at. This moment of feeling my feelings was inevitable but I was so glad that I felt prepared this time around. See my tips below.

These 3 months are also annoying because you have your social circle trying to convince you to “just have one”. But for me, that disappeared after this 3-month period (phew!).

Tip 1: Include new tools to help you regulate your emotions in a different way, eg meditate, move your body, journal, take a bath, read a book, or call a friend.

Tip 2: Download a list of audiobooks on sobriety and make it a daily ritual to listen to the books and go for a walk. This will help you stay anchored to your ‘why’ and keep you feeling excited about your new life even when it feels a bit up and down in these first few months. A few of my favourites:

“The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober” by Catherine Gray

“Quit Like a Woman” by Holly Whitaker

“Not Drinking Tonight” by Amanda. E White

2. So much more space for the things I love.

There was free space in my head (because I felt so clear and laser-focused) but also I had so much extra time on my weekends because I wasn’t hungover. At first, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with this free time and mental clarity…so after I binged all my sobriety audiobooks, I asked myself, “What else do I want to learn about?”... and for me it was about my hormones and my body. So I invested in a transformative 3-month program with Period Coach Gemma Kelly and learnt about my body, food, hormones, daily routines and more. And no this post isn’t sponsored, just sharing my journey and she was amazing! 

Tip: Write a list of what else you are interested in. It might be fun, lighthearted classes like painting or dancing, or it might be other life obstacles you face that you want to learn about via books or online courses.

3. I started spending money on things that felt expansive.

I never considered the amount of money I’d be saving by quitting drinking but it was a nice surprise. I looked at what I valued the most in life at that point in time (because our values change as we grow) and for me, the big one was self-expression. I’d been through an inner reinvention a few months before this time and felt disconnected from my clothing style. It might seem really insignificant but my clothing style has a huge impact on my mood and my energy levels. I feel connected to my soul when I feel connected to my clothing style. So I decided to do a big wardrobe clear out and slowly buy really good quality investment pieces that were more expensive than I would normally buy, knowing I would get plenty of wear out of them.

Tip: Write your 5 core values down to uncover where you can direct this additional money. It might be investing in a personal trainer or going on monthly weekends away, there is no right or wrong, as long as it aligns with your values. If you want help with this write a comment below and I can share my process for uncovering your 5 core values.

4. My relationships and social connections flourished.

We’ve all felt that awkwardness when we aren’t drinking and everyone else is. We think “Is everyone else picking up on how awkward I am?”. Well, the good news is, they’re not and this feeling is temporary. After a few months of not drinking, that awkwardness goes away. For me to socialise sober I need to pre-plan so I’m in the right headspace…firstly I need to get there early so everyone is still coherent enough to have conversations. I would never arrive at a birthday at 11pm and expect it to be fun when I’m sober and everyone had been drinking for over 5 hours. Secondly, I need to feel confident in myself. This relates to outer confidence (eg. my appearance) and inner confidence (eg. the energy I’m bringing to the social occasion). And thirdly, I make a very conscious effort to be present when I’m out socialising and ask people lots of questions. I find I’m a way better listener when I’m not drinking which means I can form better connections.

Tip 1: Create a ritual for yourself before you socialise that primes your energy and headspace for socialising. This might be affirmations, meditation, 90’s music while you get ready…whatever makes you feel confident and grounded in yourself.

Tip 2: If there is ever an awkward silence just keep asking questions, people love talking about themselves and this gives you some breathing room if you’re feeling a bit lower on energy.

Side note: My relationship with my partner and with my family has improved significantly since I quit drinking. I’m less reactive and argumentative, and also able to better articulate how I’m feeling. My partner has even said he’s noticed a huge difference in my anxiety levels since I quit drinking, which is always nice to hear that it’s a visible change to others and not just something I’m imagining.

5. I feel deeper confidence in myself than ever before.

The most important lesson of all…so many times I’d thought that drinking is what gives me confidence. But over this year without alcohol, I have felt more confident than I ever have before. I used to drink and wake up with that horrible feeling in my stomach because I couldn’t remember certain parts of the night. I had flashbacks of me saying and doing things that I felt embarrassed and shameful about. This in itself is enough to chip away at my confidence because I always thought that was ‘me’. But it wasn’t, it was the alcohol. Just the simple act of not experiencing this feeling for 1 year has had a huge effect on my confidence.

But then on top of that, I have more confidence because I have so many nights that I’ve formed really strong friendships with people when I’m completely sober and completely myself. Creating friendships when I’m just myself, is one of the most rewarding and liberating experiences I could have.

And lastly, my confidence has skyrocketed because I’ve been in touch with how I’m actually feeling. Without numbing my emotions I’ve had the opportunity to really be there for myself and move through them. This has been such a beautiful reminder of just how powerful human beings are when we pay attention. 

Tip: Take note of all of the new situations that make you proud of yourself (how you respond to difficult situations, new friends you make, how much fun you are when you’re out). This is evidence that you don’t need alcohol to feel confident.

I know that everyone has their own experience with alcohol, this is just mine. I’ve learned a lot about myself through reading other people’s experiences and what they’re going through, so hopefully this article can be that for you.

Let me know if you have any thoughts or questions.

Lots of love,

Ash

I won’t give anything away because I highly recommend watching it. 

There was this one scene where Robin Williams spoke about conforming. It got me thinking about the times in my life when I’d conformed. 

For me there have been two key elements that contribute to my decisions in life:

1. INTUITION: Figuring out what my truth is. This includes my soul desires, opinions, and values.

2. EMOTIONAL REGULATION: Being able to support myself through difficult emotions so I have the courage to act in accordance with my intuition, no matter how polarising it may be.

So coming back to this topic of conforming to society, there was a good 10-year period where I didn’t realise I was conforming because I wasn’t aware of what my own views were.

One of the biggest examples of me conforming to social norms is drinking. I’ve known for a long time that I don’t like the version of myself that I become when I drink. It doesn’t make me feel good mentally, it enhances my anxiety, and it reduces my motivation to look after my body. I stopped drinking just over 100 days ago and I feel the most ‘me’ I’ve felt in years. This is such a perfect example of conforming because I believe many of us want to stop drinking, but it seems too ‘extreme’ to our friends and family, so we ignore this desire.

I’m not saying that everyone who drinks is conforming. I’m saying that everyone who drinks who wants to stop drinking is conforming. 

The times I’d neglected my own desires and followed the crowd, were also the times I felt disconnected from my intuition.

Each day I try to check in with how I’m feeling and ask myself what I need to do for myself that day. I’ve found that it’s through these check-ins that my intuition speaks to me the most. I usually journal in an app on my phone called Moodnotes, but if I’m in a hurry I’ll check in with myself out loud while I’m having a shower or driving (haha crazy lady right here).

When I go through long periods of time without these check-ins, I feel disconnected from my intuition and ultimately unable to identify what I want or don’t want. These times always correlate with me following the pack and not thinking for myself.

The more connected I am to my intuition, and the more I’m able to regulate difficult emotions, the less likely I am to make decisions for fear of being ‘kicked out of the tribe’. Because I become so hyper-aware of what I want that it becomes too painful ignoring it.

I would love to hear your experience with how this topic shows up in your life.

xx

I’ve never grown so much in such a short amount of time.

Most other times when I’ve reinvented myself, I’ve felt it teetering in the background of my life for the few months leading up to the pivotal moment of transformation.

But 2020 was the first time I’d started the process of reinvention without any warning that it was on its way. It was sudden and I had to respond quickly.

The catalyst for this reinvention was heartbreak like it so often is for me. But this wasn't the kind of heartbreak where the relationship ended, although it came very close. It was the kind of heartbreak where I was wrong about the type of relationship I was in.

I’d painted it with a brush of purity, perfection and Disney fairytale. But in reality, it was two humans who loved each other, terrified of facing their deepest darkest shadows.

I really resonate with what they say about relationships; they are a mirror.

For me, they’ve always held up a glaringly obvious reflection of the stuff I’m not willing to face.

The difference is, that I usually tap out once I reach the sticking point. 

But this time I didn’t.

This time, I chose to stay.

And so I broke down. 

And I broke down some more.

Until eventually I had nothing to lose so I let all of my truth pour out of me.

Unsure where it would land but suddenly felt so detached from my future life, that it didn’t matter.

And through this staying, I have completely changed how I relate to myself.

Yes, I have worked incredibly hard with my partner to rebuild our relationship, and I am so proud that we have.

But something beautiful happened during this chaotic time. I reached a point where I needed to forgive and accept my partner for his actions. Which just so happened to be the same aspects of myself that I hadn’t forgiven or accepted.

The byproduct of accepting him is I learned to accept myself.

Looking back now, I have repeated the same cycle in every single relationship I’ve had since I was 16 (I’m 32 now), and this relationship is finally the one where I broke the pattern. I broke it by being ruthless and honest with myself, creating space to just ‘be’ with the most shameful, embarrassing part of myself, and learning how to love her.

Instead of running away and avoiding, which I’m incredibly skilled at, I took time to process and then asked myself “What is this relationship trying to teach my soul right now?”.

Acceptance of my shadow aspect.

The part of me that I deny because it doesn’t feel good.

And to me, this is what each reinvention in my life has been centred around. Each time I move into a new version of myself, I accept another piece of my inner world that I’ve been denying.

The one thing I’ve learned about accepting and loving our shadow is that when we ‘out it’ ourselves, it suddenly becomes less scary. Because at the end of the day, we are humans. We have flaws and we fuck up. What I care about is how I respond after I fuck up, and if I can take a lesson from that situation instead of letting it define me.

Sending you love xx